my man proposed 7 days after he turned 19. that, i know is far from the usual “timeline” that people like to follow. but you know what they say, “when you know, you know!” the biggest question we’ve gotten since we got engaged is definitely, “how did you know they were the one?”
which makes sense, people well into their 30’s struggle with commitment because they don’t know if they are making the right choice, or if this person really is the person they are supposed to commit their life to forever.
my answer is simple, yet complicated. because i do believe God created Tanner for me & me for Tanner. but i also believe that you can make a marriage work with anyone, when they have certain qualities.
so ladies, here is a list that i have compiled for you if you’re asking yourself “am i wasting my time?” or “is he the one?”
1. does he love jesus? this is my number one because it is the most important. when you are in a relationship with someone, you can’t have real love unless it comes from the Father. without love from Him, your relationship will never fully thrive or reach it’s potential. you can read my blog on having a Godly relationship >> here.<<< the bible says a man should love his wife the way Christ loved the church, he should be in a position at all times to lay down his life for her. if your man doesn’t even call you back, he’s probably not ready to lay his life down for you. (p.s. we’re talking serious relationships here, not like, hey-i-just-met-this-guy-why-won’t-he-die-for-me type of thing.)
2. does he choose you before anything else? when i say choose you, i don’t mean that he always WANTS to. maybe his friends are having a bro night but you have a piano recital. to be honest, he probably wants to go to the bro night. but does he say that? does he make you feel like there's nowhere he would rather be than at your piano recital? he should.
3. does he protect you? i don’t mean, does he try to fight every guy that looks at you longer than he should. i mean, does he protect your heart? does he keep you from getting hurt as much as he can? does he speak highly of you in public and in private to protect your reputation? does he approach conflict with honesty and care so as to not hurt you? does he take your side and make it clear that he is on your team in all situations? does he treat you as though you are not his (until you are married), and keep your heart safe for whoever your future husband is going to be?
4. is he a spiritual leader? are you always the one pushing the two of you to get to church, or is he? are you always the one initiating prayer together, going to conferences together, or seeking mentorship? he should be leading you the way jesus leads the church, he should have a vision for your future and be constantly praying for that himself and with you. he should push you to be the woman God created you to be. he should be leading you to the cross. here is a little graphic ( below ) for praying over your relationships/marriages that came from the BEST marriage blog ever, beating50percent.com! you can check it out >>here.<<
5. does he invest in the little things? does he notice what makes you feel love and consistently show you that? maybe something you love is little notes, does he notice that? does he continue to write you those little notes after the “honeymoon” stage is over? again- back to the, does he choose to love you even when it’s not convenient?
6. does he make you feel secure? a woman's #1 need in a relationship is security (while a mans is respect) and you can’t thrive if you don't feel secure. can you trust him around other girls, even when you aren’t there? can you trust that he is who he says he is? would you trust that if you read his texts that you wouldn’t find anything out of the ordinary? your man needs to be trustworthy & he SHOULDN’T make you hate a new girl every weekend.
7. the bible says “a husband will evoke his wife's beauty with everything he says and does.” does your man evoke your beauty? does he build you up so you are the best version of yourself? i know when i’m hanging out with a bunch of people, and tanner makes a comment like “you are hilarious!” that really changes my mood for the night! i feel more funny, cool and likable in that moment because tanner called out something good in me, it evoked my (funny) beauty! that can go for anything, beauty isn’t just physical. beauty can be a personality trait or a physical trait, but does your man evoke that in you? or does he make you feel insecure?
Here are some things “the one” does NOT do- no matter how much you like them
pressure you into doing things you do not want to do.
tell you that watching porn is okay and everyone does it, so it’s okay if he does it too. that is CHEATING on you. don’t be blinded by that. & if this is a problem in your relationship, you should check out a great blog >>here.<<
make you feel crazy for wanting the best for yourself.
make you feel like it’s a chore for them to invest in your relationship.
compromise your relationship with Jesus.
tell you that everyone has sex and that it’s not realistic to ask a man to wait until marriage.
ladies, i hope this helps you when you’re asking yourself, “is he the one?” everyone has the specific characteristics they look for in a spouse, for me, i like someone who is fun! you may like someone who is serious, or maybe you love athletes! whatever your thing, make sure your man has these 7 qualities. if he does has them, but maybe still isn’t your type, that’s okay! you have to get along as people, too! don’t buy into the lie that just because you are both christians that you are perfect for each other/have to get married. there are plenty of great christian guys out there who have these 7 qualities that just might not be for you. so make sure you ask yourself the question as well, do i really like this person? for real? are they good for me and not just good on paper?
also remember, these things are a process! don’t expect your man to be a perfect leader if you’re 17 and it’s your first relationship. but do expect him to try, expect to see him improving, expect to see him pushing for the best for himself and for you, and don’t settle if he’s not! but if you are in the position where your relationship is serous, maybe you are talking marriage, yes, these should all be evident and well underway, although there is ALWAYS room for improvement. watch out for a blog post coming soon about how to BE the right one/getting prepared to be a wife!
let’s grab coffee & talk relationships! i sure as heck don’t have it all together, but i’d love to chat with you about anything & everything!! love you guys!