a lot of people tell me “i want your life.” or “you have the coolest life” or “i want to be you.”
i’m not saying that to brag, in all reality, it concerns me when people tell me these things! not because i’m not thankful for my life.. but mostly because i guess i’m really not being real with people.
its hard sometimes to show your stuggles to the world. it’s hard to be transparent in the public eye. and it’s true, instagram is a highlight reel. especially of my life. when you look at my instagram you’ll see me wedding planning, climbing mountains, swimming in clear blue water, hanging out at my cool hipster church, and getting coffee with friends.
but i never want people to look at me and say “your life is perfect.” because it’s not.
what you don’t see is that the job i was in love with disappeared right before my eyes. the stresses of finances and paying my rent alone leave me in tears pretty much every night. i eat rice for lunch and dinner on the daily because i’m afraid if i buy groceries, i wont be able to put gas in my car, let alone buy a wedding dress. some days i get mad at God. I tell Him i love Him and then convince myself that He has abandoned me for good.
i compare, big time. i find myself complaining to tanner when something good happens to one of my friends, saying “of course she looks pretty all the time, her parents buy her whatever she wants.” or “of course they asked her to model for that, i’ll never look like her.” or my favorite “of course they went to the restaurant on mount washington, we’ll never be able to afford that.” (haha, y’all know that struggle.) i constantly look at myself and say, i will never be good enough. pretty enough. “curvy” enough. or fun enough to feel okay about myself.
that is what my life looks like from the inside, and i’m not proud of it. but listen, it is okay to be vulnerable. it is okay to not have it all together. it is okay to still have the same insecurity issues you had freshman year of high school lingering deep within you.
but whats not okay is to be fine with staying there. and that is what i’ve been doing for awhile now. staying there. putting on my church face and saying “i find my identity in Christ” but truly only finding my identity in things of the world, Instagram likes, a perfectly curated feed.
i’m learning to find joy in the waiting, in the growing pains, in pushing myself farther from these insecure, hopeless mentalities and putting my hope in Jesus.
the bible says in order to see the kingdom of heaven we must have “simple trust” like a child. those two words have been running through my mind non-stop these past few weeks. simple. trust. remember when you were a kid? like a really little kid, and you would get in the car with your parents? you didn’t question where you were going, you’d just get in. normally you ended up somewhere safe and sound.
that’s how God wants us to trust Him. just get in the car and go. but yikes that is hard! i honestly can’t think of a harder thing to do when you look at the number in your bank account and know it’s not enough. how can you trust God then? is He magically going to make the numbers go up? my mind tells me: no way. get a better job. start working weekends doing something. dedicate your life to working. the Truth tells me: i have come that you may have and enjoy life in abundance (or to the full) -john10
what? so God doesn’t want me to spend my life slaving away just to pay bills and die? man is that a wake up call. how do i get there? how do i get this life to the full? the Word says it: simple trust.
like i said earlier, it’s easy to say yeah! i trust God but really- you’re trusting the world. one of my FAV authors ever says “God doesn’t call us to be comfortable, He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if Christ doesn’t come through.”
what situations are YOU in where, if God doesn’t come through, you’ll be screwed? that’s where i want to be. thats where we grow. thats how we trust. thats where we become true followers.
what does this look like in my life? well, it looks like trusting God financially, by working hard where I’m at and not dedicating my life to something that isn’t my true calling. it looks like pouring myself into my ministry instead of being a slave to a salary. it looks like waking up every morning and saying, out loud, “i trust you, Lord. this day is in your hands, not mine. let me be a vessel for your use.” it looks like putting worry to bed. worrying is practical atheism. worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big or powerful enough to take care of us or what’s happening in our lives. it looks like choosing, even when I don’t feel like it, to put down my phone and pick up my bible and put real truth on my heart rather than resting in comparison.
It looks like being a prayerful person. being in constant contact with God. seeking His face in the darkness of whats ahead. it looks like risk taking, exploring, loving people past whats comfortable, giving what you have until you have nothing left to give, and trusting you'll be okay.
declaring over your life that you are successful. that you are a loved and cherished child of the King. that you will be provided for. that you will have life to the full. that means not speaking that you are a failure, that you are not good enough, not worthy. don’t say it out loud. speak the TRUTH over your life.
guys, i hope this encouraged you. i didn’t write this to complain about my life. we’ve all got big struggles and little struggles, i just want you to know, i am NOT only who i am on instagram. i’m still learning how to be joyful in the mess. i will say i am truly blessed with the people in my life, my church, my family and my opportunities. i do love my life. but it’s not always easy. i’m still learning how to trust. i hope this can help you trust too. lets do this together.