This is a topic that has been on my heart for a long time, but explaining it to people without seeming condemning or like a “judgy Christian” has always been my fear. So I’m going to be vulnerable and share my heart with you on the topic of sex before marriage or living together before marriage.
First off, I want to say that although there is a huge stereotype, following Jesus does not mean following a set of rules, and if you mess up then you aren’t “good.” That’s not what it’s about at all. The Word tells us things we shouldn’t do because God doesn’t want to see us hurt. He let’s us know the things that are going to cheapen our lives but satisfy us for a moment, and He knows what is going to bring us eternal joy. To the world, the things that satisfy us for a moment are what we’re chasing after. We don’t want to wait, we don’t want to work for it and we most definitely don’t want to be different than the crowd. But those things are going to fade away and leave us empty again and again.
I’m sure you’ve heard that before. But seriously, how many times have you gotten drunk and woken up feeling like you’re living your fullest life? How many times do you have to hook up with people that you KNOW are using you- until you feel genuinely deeply happy? It’s just not going to happen. Because those things feel good at the moment, but they weren’t made to last.
Now let me get something out there, God likes sex. Although that seems weird, it’s true! God created sex for man and woman to enjoy each other. He loves to see two committed people experiencing love together, or else He wouldn’t have created it. The world tells us sex is dirty and disgusting, but actually it was created to be the single most intimate thing humans on this earth can experience. The deepest connection you can feel with another person. And if you tell me you can “just have sex” with someone and feel nothing- you’re wrong. The Word tells us that having sex is actually bonding your souls together for eternity. People who have sex are not meant to break up, or be separated, until the day they die. Thats why it rips your heart out when someone that you made a LITERAL blood covenant with leaves you for someone else.
You were created for sex with one man, or one woman. Isn’t that what we all want in the end? Someone to want us, and only us, forever and ever? So why do we keep selling ourselves short? Why do we keep hurting ourselves over and over again when we are called so much higher? The world acts like having sex is so cool, but doesn’t it seem like those are the same people that are always heartbroken in the end? They always come out the other end damaged, they always have these relationships that have messy ends. If having sex is so cool and everyone does it, then is that what we’re all aiming for in our relationships? Just to be like everyone else? Because that’s sure not what I want for my marriage- it doesn’t seem to be working very well for everyone else! I want a relationship that is different than everyone else's. I want a deeply rooted relationship built on love, trust, and Jesus. Not something where feeling good for the moment or fitting in is in the forefront.
Here’s another thing - if you give your boyfriend the privileges that are meant for your husband. what will change when you do get married? One time I was at a family picnic and I saw a cousin who had just gotten married. I asked him “how’s married life?” his response was “same as engaged life but my left hand is a little heavier.” Yikes.
If I choose to have sex before marriage, and share a home with my man before marriage, what will change when we do get married? I don’t ever want my marriage to look the same as my engagement, or dating relationship. Do you know that there is factual proof that 90% of couples who live together before marriage end up divorcing? NINETY PERCENT. If you care about your relationship, why would you even take that chance- hoping that you’ll be that 1/10 that makes it? People weren’t designed to live a married life together without that covenant in place before God.
When you marry someone it’s supposed to be so different than dating. When you marry someone you’re in it for the long haul, and you can never be TRULY deeply vulnerable if you don’t know if the other person is in it for the long haul, too. A great pastor once said, “having sex with someone you’re not married to is NO preparation for having sex with someone you are married to.” Because sex is the most intimate and vulnerable you can be with someone, how could you experience that to the fullest if there’s always the possibility that they could walk out on you?
When you know you're committed for life, you can experience love and service physically and in your home in the way that you were meant to. The Word tells us to guard our hearts until we’re married. And who could disagree? Giving your whole heart and body to someone when there is still the possibility they could leave is a dangerous game that leads to hurt and heartbreak. But waiting for your husband or wife to give yourself to will save you a lot of hurt, and give you the greatest joy and fruit in the end. Imagine knowing someone waited for YOU, because they knew you would bring them more joy than cheap thrills do.
Now I am not married yet- so believe me I am not trying to give marriage advice. I’m just sharing my heart on what I think no one talks about and EVERYONE slides under the rug. This is important! I watch my friends hearts shatter over this- it hurts me deeply to see the pain that is in my little sisters friends eyes over this, the pain in my high school, my college, my city, because people honestly just don’t know the JOY that comes with walking in the Lords plan.
And if you have had sex before, or you're in a relationship where sex is a part of it- every day is a new day. Your past is wiped clean. You can always be made pure when you decide that is what you want for your life. Just because you have already done it does not mean the Lord wont honor your choice to turn away from that today.
I hope this encourages some of you to make a choice that will for sure change your relationship. Again, I never want to be condemning and come off as “you’re bad because you did this sin.” I just want to see young people knowing their souls worth and escaping the pain that comes from intimacy before commitment. ITS WORTH IT YALL.